Why I hate football

A man who plays football says to the world: "I hope to injure my spinal column in such a devastating way, through repeatedly being tackled, that I will be forced to live with chronic pain for the rest of my life, popping Motrin like M&Ms..."

A man who sits motionless watching football on television is telling his wife: "I'd rather not have intimacy with you, but I'd rather spend two hours watching young, muscular men grapple with one another."

A man who sits motionless watching football on television is telling his wife: "Those half-naked women cheering on the side-lines for every major team? I'd rather stare lustfully at them than at you..."

A man who sits motionless watching football on television is telling his wife: "A constant stream of commercials for beer, junk food, and semi-pornographic movies are far more important to me than quality time with you."

A man who sits motionless watching football on television is telling his children: "I'd rather watch strapping, fit young men through a ball around to one another, instead of spending time outside playing games with you."

A man who sits motionless watching football on television is telling his wife: "I'd rather sit inert and let fat congeal around my heart."

A man who sits motionless watching football on television is telling himself: "I'm wasting hours of my life watching men run around and grab one another for hours, followed by some of the men hauled off to hospitals, while the rest hurry off to take a collective shower. What have I accomplished?"