"Enchanted", a stupid, irrelevant Disney feminist apology for the classic "Snow White"

Squinty has written a few too many posts lately, so need to get up to speed here.

I've been thinking lately of the excruciatingly-bad Disney film "Enchanted" lately, which can be thought of as less of a movie to waste time watching with the kids, but rather as a pathetic and humiliating insult to the tradition of the classic Disney Snow White film, which to me remains to this day the finest, incomparably animated film ever.  Of course this film is offensive, and has rabid feminists and others up in arms.  Snow White is a princess who wants nothing more than to marry a prince.  I love it!  No complex, frustrating, impossibly-intelligent, unlikable, proto-feminist, indestructible Reese Witherspoon-types, but rather just a princess who wants nothing more than to wed a prince.  Brilliant.  Perfect.  

With Enchanted, it's like the screen-writer was an angry young woman, trained in the Sith arts of rabid feminism in college, with a fresh social studies BA, who sat down and typed out how the classic Snow White "should" have actually ended, with the princess coming to New York and realizing she doesn't need a prince to be happy, but rather, she needs to be single and successful running her own business.  This was appalling writing and perhaps the stupidest distortion of a classic movie theme I've ever had the misfortune of watching.  Absolutely awful.

I will give Disney credit, though.  They have never stupidly attempted to make a "Snow White 2" (that I know of) and they have left the original alone, as the one film that cannot be ruined with stupid and shallow remakes involving SW trained as a warrior with a huntsman while she has a fling with the film director, or something like that.  

But if Disney did ever decide to make a "Snow White 2", rest assured it would be stupid, and that it would rot in the Disney vault along with "Enchanted."

The original Snow White is a marvel:  wonderful story, staggeringly-good animation (without any lazy Disney computer-animated shortcuts) and a charming soundtrack of both orchestral and vocal numbers.  It's unquestionably a classic, and you can tell by the duration of this film even today: they continue to make rides at the Disney theme park based on this film (haven't seen any films made based on "Enchanted".... maybe they could make Mr. Toad's Commode Ride", in which you ride through a sewage pipe lined with discarded copies of Enchanted...?)

"This Means War" - stupid film redesigned by Neophytos!!!

So I was stuck in line at Walmart the other day (and my three readers already know my feelings about Walmart...) and to the side were some awful DVDs, particularly one featuring my least favorite actress ever, Reese Wither Spoon, called "This Means War". I stood there studying the image on the cover, with a photoshopped Reese flanked by two guys, the one on the left who played the second-rate Captain Kirk in the Star Trek re-launch (aka another nail in the coffin of the franchise) and the other guy was, I dunno, some other guy...

But here's the thing: the Captain Kirk guy - something about his head is wrong.  It seems to be freakishly misshapen, whereas the guy on the right, his head above the eyebrows seems to be freakishly smaller, almost as if there was a terrible transporter beam malfunction and cranial substance was swapped from one to the other.  See what I mean?

 

 

So, I decided to do something about this, and broke out trust ol' Photoshop, and made some changes.  I think what happened was, in a terrible transporter accident, the Kirk-guy had his upper-head swapped with the guy on the right.  So, like a good Scotty, I made things right and fixed the transporter accident.  Check it out...

 

 

The Kirk guy now looks like someone you'd see in a catalog while waiting to get a haircut, but at least his head seems more properly proportioned, I think.  And the guy on the right looks like a guy from my college Algebra class.  But something is still wrong... let me think....

 

Ah yeah, Reese has got to go.  To make this movie a lot better, she needs to be erased from this film, and instead, these dueling guys need to be competing for the affection of a woman with a lot more style, character, and acting prowess.  I've got it!!!

 

 

 

 

John Grisham's Newest Legal Thriller: "The Gavel"!

(Here's a summary of the newest John Grisham legal thriller... that doesn't actually exist, but I think would make a great book, if Grisham would be to write it...)

The story: Kyle Swift is an up-and-coming attorney at a prestigious New York law firm, who's world is about to be shaken by an unmistakably incredible case that will rock the legal profession, and the world, with tons of thrilling superlatives!

Kyle is in his office one day, doing paperwork and looking at a picture on his desk of his two children and lamenting his vasectomy, when suddenly his receptionist calls and tells him that his appointment has arrived. In walks a woman that looks remarkably like Reese Witherspoon, except that physically she's greatly withered. You see, Reese is struggling with breast cancer but, being a Christian Scientist (which is neither "Christian" nor "scientific") she has avoided all cancer medications and treatments because, you know, "it's all in her mind!"

Anyhow, she tells Kyle about her history as a director of a Planned Parenthood Killing Temple in Texas. During that time she herself had a number of surgical abortions performed, and following these disgusting surgeries she was diagnosed with breast cancer. This puzzled Reese, as she lived a very healthy lifestyle and ate nothing but organic vitamin supplements and tree bark soup. How could someone as important and healthy as she contract breast cancer? Then she started doing the research and discovered that indeed there is a medically-documented link between abortion and breast cancer, and now Reese wants to sue the Abortion Killing Temple that performed the abortion that gave her the cancer!

'Whoa', thinks Kyle. This lawsuit could be huge, and could be dangerous! Those Abortion Killers won't take nicely to this legislation. And indeed they don't! As this high-profile legal case makes the news, soon mob goons are dispatched to take Kyle out of the picture, by means of thrilling high-speed car chases, shooting guns and black-legged-dart-frog poison darts! Kyle is on the run, wearing disguises and seeking out legal documents in time for court, but will he be too late?

Soon it's time for the trial, and it's pandemonium! The Abortion Temple has bought the jury, and the trial turns ugly! The judge goes insane! And then, when things look like they can't get much worse, Judge Wapner and Doug Llewellyn show up for the trial of the century!!!

Stay turned for this gripping thriller! John Grisham, if you're reading this, I will gladly give you the rights to this book, as long as Lavender Darwin is able to make a cameo in the courtroom somewhere (perhaps as a tough yet compassionate bailiff?)